Today, my social media feed was flooded with “Women Empowerment” posts in honor of International Women’s Day. I’m not very good at keeping track of these types of things, so unless it’s on my calendar, I’ll probably miss it!
Anyway, I wanted to write about the most influential woman in my life, my mom. I champion gender equality, so don’t worry…I’ll be sure to write about my dad on International Men’s Day (November 19), which I just added to my calendar.
My mother, Edeliene, is a retired teacher. Because of her profession, she was trained in early childhood development and education, which only strengthened her innate “mom skills.”
First off, she always encouraged me. No matter how terrible my art or off key my singing, Edeliene would always find the good in it. She made it a point to make me feel smart when I was naïve and beautiful before I washed my face in the morning.
When it came to education, she made sure that I felt confident. I never had test anxiety or doubted my academic ability because she made me feel like I was good at school. Because of the work ethic and confidence she and my dad instilled in me, I graduated with the 3rd highest GPA in my high school class and Summa Cum Laude in college.
But, more important than any of those things was her ability to handle my failures. This was the key to grit. Even though I’m a millennial and she was a helicopter parent, I didn’t feel entitled to anything and developed grit because of 4 things she did and didn’t do:
1. She never blamed others for my failure
She never blamed judges, teachers or anyone else for my failure. She never told me that I should have won or should have gotten an “A.”
If she had done this, I would have felt like the world was out to get me and that life wasn’t fair.
Blaming others undermines the talent of the winners and inflates our perception of our own abilities. It makes us more likely to quit. Why would we put time and effort into improvement when we don’t think we need to improve and if we think the system is to blame?
2. She made it okay to fail
While she never blamed others for my failure, she never blamed me either. She didn’t blame anyone. Failure was an event that came and went. It was an acceptable part of life, and it wasn’t a big deal. By doing this, she reduced my fear and anxiety of failing.
Don’t get me wrong, I still get a little anxious and nervous at times. It’s natural, and I’m human. A little bit of nerves is a good thing! It shows you care. But, too much of it can be debilitating and prevents us from taking any risk, and risk isn’t always bad! The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.
3. She used the “non-criticism criticism technique”
She never told me what I did terribly or gave me unsolicited advice on how to win. Instead, she complimented the winners in my weak areas.
Way back when I was a cheerleader, if my kicks were low, she would compliment the kicks of the best kicker on the squad instead of criticizing mine. This technique was genius, and I don’t think she gives herself enough credit for it.
4. She promised I would get better with time and effort
She pointed out others who were successful and made sure I knew how much effort those people put into their success. This instilled a positive work ethic and set realistic expectations.
I have an older cousin that is a very talented artist. When I was younger, I was envious of her drawing skills and would get frustrated when I couldn’t create beautiful pictures. My mom would say, “Laurel has been drawing since she was 3. If you practice as much as she does, you’ll be as good as her.”
I knew Laurel drew all the time, but I had absolutely no desire to spend that much time drawing. To this day, stick figures and boxes are the extent of my artistic abilities.
I’ll be competing in the Mrs. NC America pageant in 3 weeks. I’m a grown woman now, but Edeliene is still my mom. She still does these 4 things to instill grit in me, and it works every time. If I lose, I have no doubt in my mind that I’ll come back stronger the next time around because of her.
