My daughter, Faith, was born with Trisomy 13, a very rare chromosomal abnormality resulting in miscarriage, severe disability or death. Faith dramatically changed my life, but to understand how much of an impact Faith had on my life, you need to understand who I was before I had her. Before Faith, I didn’t know if I wanted to have children. I never considered myself maternal and was more concerned about my career, finances and personal goals than I was with having kids.
To be honest, the thought of having kids terrified me because I knew it would change my life, and I was perfectly content with the way things were. I had a wonderful husband, dream career, dream house…I felt like I had everything. I was afraid of the unknowns and irreversibility of motherhood. Would I like my kid? Would my kid like me? Would I get stretch marks? Would we still get to travel? There were so many questions that could not be answered. So, I delayed motherhood as long as I could because I was afraid.
I always told myself that if I ever had kids, I would have them before turning 36. My grandmother had a daughter named Zena when she was in her late 30s. Zena was born with Down Syndrome and lived several years before passing away from heart failure. I was terrified the same would happen to me. So, I decided that if I didn’t have kids before turning 36, I probably wouldn’t have them at all.
At age 34, I knew that if I was going to have a kid, it was now or never. But, 34 came and went. I turned 35 and still no baby. So, I made an appointment with my doctor because I was pushing up against my self-imposed deadline. After running a bunch of tests, the doctor sat my husband and I down and told us that I had Graves’ Disease, an autoimmune condition that causes the thyroid to go into overdrive.
I had three treatment options: surgically remove my thyroid, take radioactive iodine to kill my thyroid, or take medication. My endocrinologist told me I had a very mild form of Graves’ Disease and advised me against removing or killing my thyroid because he felt I would go into remission if I went on a course of medication called methimazole.
As an Air Force pilot, in addition to seeing an endocrinologist, I also had to see my flight surgeon to determine how this condition would affect my flying status. During the appointment with my flight surgeon, we discussed each of the three treatment options and how they would affect my flying career. What I understood from our conversation was that no matter which option I chose, I would go on non-flying status for a brief period of time and return to fly when my body stabilized from the treatment. I decided to go with the least invasive option, which was to take methimazole.
After going on methimazole, I saw my flight surgeon again for a follow up appointment. My labs looked good, so I asked about going back on flying status and was shocked at my doctor’s response. He told me I would not go back on flying status until I went into remission, which could take years. This was NOT what I understood from our initial conversation. What I understood from our initial conversation was that I would go on non-flying status when I started taking methimazole and would go back on flying status after three months, as long as I had no adverse side-effects from the medication. A year plus hiatus from flying was MUCH different than three months, and I couldn’t fathom how I could have so grossly misunderstood the repercussions of going on methimazole.
I was so upset about this misunderstanding and hated how it affected my life. It medically disqualified me from flying and cut my pay by nearly a third. However, this communication error was one of my most valuable and treasured lessons. I learned we don’t always process information correctly, especially when receiving information that evokes strong emotions.
Little did I know that a few years later, I would use this lesson to advocate for the life of my daughter. We had some heavy, gut-wrenching discussions with Faith’s doctors, and I used that lesson during those conversations. At the end of each conversation, I reiterated what I understood from our discussion and the asked doctors to confirm whether I understood correctly. This lesson helped us make the most important decisions of our life: the life and death decisions that impacted our daughter.
But, I digress…I continued my course of methimazole for a few years. Methimazole also carries a risk of birth defects, so we decided to hold off on having kids while I was on medication. I finally tapered off methimazole in December of 2021 and was given the green light to try for a baby again.
In February 2022, I got to model for a show in New York Fashion Week! I was so excited about the trip that I didn’t realize I was “late” until the show was over. We got home from our Fashion Week trip late at night, and all the stores around us were closed, so we couldn’t buy a pregnancy test. However, I had some expired pregnancy tests from the stash I purchased when I initially tried to get pregnant, so we used those. I immediately took a few tests, and each one of the little strips were positive! We were so excited but tried to contain our emotions because we didn’t know if the expired tests were accurate. I was also in a bit of disbelief because of how fast we conceived this time around.
The next day, my doctor confirmed the pregnancy. At 37 years old, I surpassed the deadline I set for myself to have kids. My attitude toward having a child completely changed. From that moment forward, I loved my baby more than anything and cared for her more than I cared for myself…and my Journey For Faith began.
